Not Funny

Question: “My husband often hides behind humor. Meaning he makes what I consider rude remarks/comments. If I take offense he says he was “just kidding.” If I don’t take offense he just laughs it off or walks away. He doesn’t like it when I take offense so lately I’ve been silent but if I don’t laugh along with him he gets irritated in my response. For example, just the other day in the car he pointed out my growing muffin top and has started calling me “fatty”. I took offense and he said I blew it out of proportion. I’ve been trying to remain silent lately but I just couldn’t hold back in this situation. If you’re wondering my I remain silent it’s because I’m avoiding an argument and his tendency to dismantle my feedback. “

Kristin’s Response:

“Fat, Fat the river rat,” is what my dad used to say when we’d reach for a second helping. I am sure he thought he was being helpful but it probably wasn’t the best way to teach about nutrition and self-care.  Then I married a guy who had to learn to filter. When I felt offended by his words, my husband, who didn’t intend his words to be hurtful, felt like I was just being difficult. I’ve learned a couple of things about dealing with this situation:

1. Be consistent. It’s ok to let it go sometimes. I understand not wanting to argue, especially if it never seems to go anywhere constructive. However, you do need to engage it if you want to your spouse to learn how to want to be treated. You are helping them understand what is honoring and what hurts you and they will get it eventually.  Letting it go teaches them its ok, and also teaches any children in the home that this is acceptable. If it happens if front of children, try to address in front of the children. A simple and light, “Hey, that’s not nice,” can go a long way.  
2. Be clear about how you feel. In the end, they will probably stop doing it because they know you don’t like it not because they felt like they were doing anything wrong.  Since this is the case, don’t get bogged down in a losing argument trying to convince them they’re wrong. Say something like, “I don’t like you calling me that.” No matter how they respond, don’t let it sidetrack you from what you are trying to communicate. Always try to bring the conversation back to your simple point.  “I just want you to know that I don’t find it funny and it hurt my feelings. I know you aren’t trying to be mean, but this is how it made me feel.”
3. Be Patient.  In that moment you may not feel like he is hearing you, especially if he really doesn’t understand or doesn’t feel like he intended harm. Don’t let that get to you. My husband and I are both stubborn.  It can sometimes be very difficult for us in the heat of a “discussion” to acknowledge the other person’s thoughts or feelings. I thought this meant my husband wasn’t hearing me. Now I know that wasn’t the case.  The proof was the effort I’ve seen him make afterward that showed me he did hear me. Once I realized he was listening, I started making an effort to be very clear about what wanted him to hear without getting frustrated or sidetracked.

“In the end they will probably stop doing it because they know you don’t like it not because they felt like they were doing anything wrong.”

This issue took years to evolve to a place of health in our relationship, but we got there. Getting to the healthy place almost always required going through the conflict. Don’t shy away from it, but look at it for the opportunity it is. And, as always, try to be Fair, Respectful and Kind.

Joey’s Response:

I must admit that what some or most people consider offensive and hurtful to me is not that big of a deal, it’s just the facts. This has gotten me in trouble with my wife lots of times and still does. I have no problem saying if someone just put on a lot of weight or commenting, ”man that person is looking old”, or, “that person just talks way too much” (which is funny because I just can’t shut up).  If I say these things in front of my wife, I’m immediately in the dog house. Kristin will say I’m being rude or wonder how I could say that. On the same token if I say, ”man that person lost a ton of weight,” that doesn’t seem any different to me than noticing someone putting on some weight. But, I guess saying someone lost weight is okay. I may never understand but I can try to refrain from saying those things since it gets me in trouble.

“I must admit that what some or most people consider offensive and hurtful to me is not that big of a deal, it’s just the facts.”

When I make a joke and my wife doesn’t find it funny, her response to me feels the same as being in a fight.  My defensive mechanism goes in full effect and I will just get angry. It’s like going from a happy, fun moment to getting attacked suddenly without cause.  My response in that situation may not be pretty, so looks like I’m the one this question is about 🙂

I‘ll share what I think would work to help me listen and hopefully not do it again. Number 4 below is probably the most important and it’s for me.

1. Kristin, please don’t snap at me. I thought it was funny, I didn’t mean anything by my comment so if it wasn’t funny to you don’t laugh but don’t start a fight… at least not immediately.
2. Kristin, let me know in a nice way a couple minutes later to not joke in that manner, maybe even say I may not be wrong but for some reason you find it rude and don’t like it. It will help me if you  wait so that my laughter emotions are finished where I can hear you again as opposed to number 1 above.
3. Kristin, please don’t try to be mean to get me back,  or now both of us will be hurt and upset and most likely fighting.
4. Joey, (talking to myself), remember that you cannot control how the other person feels or reacts to something you say. You don’t even have to understand why, you just need to accept it.  I know you would want to understand why Kristin feels upset over something you said, and the fact is that it happened, she got upset and you convincing her that she should not have gotten upset because you were joking or didn’t mean it in that way does not fix anything.  Her hurt feelings are not going to be erased from history, it happened and nothing can undo it, so say your sorry and try to avoid that joke or similar ones in the future.
5. Joey (still talking to myself), not everyone is going to share your sense of humor and even those that do, will not find your jokes funny sometimes.

BTW: Kristin says that saying someone lost weight isn’t the best, either.  But saying they look healthy or finding a better compliment that has nothing to do with looks is the best choice.  So there, even more proof that I just don’t get it, so I will resort to number 4 on my list.