Be “Better”

We have all been there… your spouse declares that they have decided to become vegan, or give up social media, or commit to a spiritual discipline, or get back in shape or any slew of other personal choices for betterment.

If you are newly married, you probably find this endearing.  You love the idea that your spouse is making value decisions and you are prepared to jump in and support them in any way possible.  If you’ve been together awhile, you either feel amused and make a mental estimate of how long you think it will last or you reserve any feeling until you see if it actually goes anywhere.  

No matter how you feel about it, experience tells you that you are about to be judged, as most people have a hard time keeping personal betterment personal.  

Maybe you’ve had a spouse go vegan so now you resort to paying cash for In-N-Out and shoving it down your throat in the car before you have to endure plate of yummy kale flavored tofu and bean sprouts because you don’t like the way they look at you while you enjoy eating animals.

Or maybe your spouse has given up social media and you find yourself checking your feeds in the bathroom so you don’t have to endure a speech about addiction and how wonderful life is now that they are engaged in the present and how they don’t feel so much pressure to be as perfect as everyone online.

Maybe they have decided to read their Bible instead of watch TV when they get home from work and you now have to do your evening binge watching with the subtitles on while they keep messaging you invitations to the devotion that they are reading and texting key verses to you.  Yeah, you know you feel judged.

The thing is, it is natural for us to want to share something good…especially with those who are closest to us.  So how can we best navigate our spouse making big personal changes while being supportive yet also being kind and true to ourselves?

Let their choice be their choice.  

For a long time when Joey would decide to eat healthier, I would support him by going into beast trainer mode and prepping all of his meals.  There were two problems with this. First, he wasn’t learning how to make healthy food choices. He had no idea what to eat if he had to choose for himself.  Second, if he went off the rails after I worked so hard to prep all his meals I took it waaaay too personal. So instead, I supported him by making healthy meals for him when I would normally cook, and tried to treat him like a grown up who could make his own food choices the rest of the time. He didn’t need me constantly commenting on what he was eating, honestly, I was just destroying his will to even try.

Be clear about YOUR choice

Communication is the key to almost everything.  When they announce their personal betterment plan, take that opportunity to both support them and let them know if you are on the journey or not.  That clarity will set clear expectations from the get-go.

Judgment is sometimes self imposed

Every once in awhile when I’d give up social media, I became the worst judger.  I took every opportunity to tell my husband how freeing it was and to point out how much time he spent looking at this or posting on that.  The great thing about Joey is…it never phased him. He was comfortable with his choices so he’d either rebuff me or just keep on doing whatever he was doing and he was fine with it.  He didn’t allow my judgement to make him feel guilty. Eventually I realized that my personal betterment didn’t include having to convince him.

They may have a valid point

If your spouse decides it’s time to get your family out of debt, or that you don’t ever talk because of screen time or that there are health issues that need to be addressed, then it may not be ok to sit it out.  Sometimes personal betterment does have to be a team effort. Be fair, respectful and kind when approaching issues where you bear responsibility.

Dear Jostin is a husband and wife team that takes relationship issues and tries to help you look at them from a different perspective.  Questions can be submitted through our Dear Jostin Facebook Private Messenger or private message @dearjostin on Instagram. Responses never include names as your privacy is important to us.

Dear Jostin would love to help you look at things differently, but we always ask that submissions to are written to be fair, respectful and kind.  It is the first step to finding the perspective you need, so that is where we ask you to start. 

Disclaimer! We are not licensed therapists. We are licensed, trained, experienced ministers and have worked with people for decades counseling in faith communities. We are mandatory reporters.