Big Decisions

Kristin’s Perspective

I have had several conversations with couples recently who were trying to make BIG life altering decisions about marriage, jobs, housing, moving, budgets, and timelines. Making big decisions is hard for several reasons.

1. We don’t know how it will turn out.  There is no cure for this.  You cannot know, so this is not a good decision-making strategy.
2. Pros and Cons don’t always give a clear answer.
3. We don’t have defined criteria other than our emotions to help us decide.

Let’s take a minute to get some perspective on how to handle these big decisions. This is something Joey and I didn’t figure out till recently in our marriage, but would have been so helpful early on.

For many years our approach towards making big decisions was that if we both felt good about it then we would proceed.

If one of us just couldn’t get there then we would let it go.  That approach did not lead us into any disasters so I cannot completely write it off, but there did come a time when this method was not helping.  The situations were more complex, and we were struggling.

Two of our kids had gone to college and we had sold our family home.  We were in a season of a lot of change and trying to decide what the future looked like for us as a couple and a family. We were unsure what we were looking for in a new home.  Should we rent?  How many bedrooms would we need?  What would be comfortable?  Would kids be moving out or coming back home in a few years? How much did we want to spend?

While we house hunted, we stayed in a vacation rental and we got into the habit of taking walks on the beach almost every day.  During these walks we found ourselves talking a lot and processing how we were feeling and exploring what the possibilities were. 

Without really setting out to do it, over the days and weeks of conversations we had identified our “one thing”.  The one thing that, at that moment, was the most important to us.  

Once we set that thing as our goal, we were able to make all the decisions we needed to because we knew what we were trying to accomplish, and all our decisions had to support that. 

What was important to us was that we could afford to get our kids through college without saddling them with a lot of debt and a close second was that they all felt they still had a home base.  Once we knew that, all our decisions moved us in that direction. The house we bought let us afford to pay for school, but still had room for everyone to come home. 

Ever since then, we have taken time once a year to make sure we know what our goals are.  We usually take a weekend, go somewhere quiet where we can find plenty of time and space to talk and to process and see what our current “thing” is.

Or goals change from year to year but knowing what they are gives us the criteria not only to make those big decisions but also to feel like we are building something together and even make better day-to-day decisions as well.

Joey’s perspective

I’m a risk taker so when it comes to big decisions it usually boils down to what Kristin is comfortable with. Over the years I have slowed down some but I still come at Kristin bursting with big ideas now and again.

The way we make big decisions is as follows. Once one of us presents an idea, we each take time to talk through our views and thoughts and we pray separately. We then come back together and discuss. We both have to say yes in order to move ahead. I will never make a big decision without agreement. It has happened that Kristin doesn’t agree and I get over it fairly quickly. Also, we never make the decision on the spot we sleep on it for at least 1 night.

We tend to go away for a weekend for the big ones so we can really process and leave with a decision. It wasn’t always like this, I made plenty of big decisions that just blew up in my face… ones that, had I listened to Kristin, it could have saved me a lot of grief.

So, I guess you can say I learned the hard way. Not that she is always right or our decisions always work out… but we do it together so we both own it, and we get through it until our next crazy decision.