Kristin’s Perspective:
I feel it is reasonable that any parent that is in proximity of their child should be aware of any needs that may arise and be willing to engage.
That being said, you may be parenting with someone who feels that their role is to provide and when they come home, they have done their part. Maybe you both work but the bulk of the family responsibility is still unevenly distributed because of a gender bias. I can hear the collective homemakers boooooo-ing across the interweb but really, what are the options when this is the case?
It’s not that he didn’t help, but he got to choose what he’d do and I didn’t have that luxury.
Early in our marriage I had my own expectations of my husband when he got home. It’s not that he didn’t help, but he got to choose what he’d do and I didn’t have that luxury. We had many “conversations” about this but I was still dissatisfied.
I came to the realization that I was allowing my attitude to be based on something I had no control over. My husband might possibly NEVER see things the way I did. I didn’t want be frustrated and discontent so I changed my expectations. My husband hates when I say this, but I decided not to ask him for help unless I could not do it myself. I felt empowered and content. I didn’t expect anything and I found it much easier to appreciate everything he did do.
The first and best thing to do is communicate while being respectful, fair and kind. Ideally, we’d talk about important things like this BEFORE having kids instead of realizing later that we have different expectations. If your ideas aren’t lining up, then ask yourself what you can do in your situation to make sure you are ok even if the other person never changes. Be realistic about the things you have control over.
Joey’s Perspective:
In my opinion, roles are the same for each spouse which is to do whatever you have to do to take care of your little ones, whenever, and however possible. As far as sharing the workload, that is another story, or is it? It’s just that, you share the workload 24/7 and, yes, raising kids is a ton of work and it’s for life. 🙂
My take on this is that each parent is to be there for the little ones 24/7 so a spouse going to work just means they couldn’t help for those 10 hours while they were working, but the other 14 hours still apply. The stay at home spouse is to also be there 24/7 for the little ones. Their time will overlap, and when it does they simply share the workload. It should not be one vs the other because I was at home all day or I was at work all day, no one gets a break it’s just that simple because they have the same role. Not to say that you can’t do things to appreciate one other by being intentional in giving your spouse a break.
No spouse wants to feel like they didn’t do enough so get in there and share the workload, after all, it’s your role.
I was not the most helpful when I got home from work, maybe I was at times but I just can’t help but feel that I wish I had done more to help my wife. Our kids are older now and I can’t go back to fix it, and that image of a spouse that does not do enough or a spouse that did not appreciate the other spouse can’t be changed after the fact. No spouse wants to feel like they didn’t do enough so get in there and share the workload, after all, it’s your role.
Adventures Together, Let's Go 